Interview with Peyton Youngtana

In honor of the upcoming Super Bowl…

Gushing reporter: I am standing here with quarterback Peyton Youngtana after his season changing victory. Walk me through this win, Peyton.

Peyton: Well, it’s a pretty simple strategy. We scored more points than the other guys.

GR: What has the team stressed in practices since the last game? And did your team implement the plan your coaches laid out for you?

P: We did lots of running and throwing and catching and tackling followed by more running and throwing and catching and tackling. The kickers even practiced kicking the ball so that they’d be ready for field goals and punts. We also made sure to hydrate throughout the day because star athletes can never be too hydrated. My teammates and I were ready to take the field. We followed instructions in the first half. I was reading all the plays fastened on my wrist and leading my men into this battle just as we’d practiced. Unfortunately, we were getting crushed.

GR: Did the other team do anything surprising?

P: No, not really. Our head coach thought we were scheduled to play the Pensacola Poodles, when in fact we were actually playing the Pembroke Panthers. Reading comprehension was never his strength. He just got a bit confused.

GR: What were you thinking at the end of the second half?

P: As you know, my wife and I are expecting our first child in three months.

GR: Congratulations!

P: Thanks! I’ve had my baby on my brain. I’m really struggling with whether to get a minivan or upgrade my SUV. There are so many advantages to the van – more passenger space (I really like the captain’s chairs), automatic sliding doors, and better gas mileage. However, I just can’t wrap my mind around the “soccer-mom” vibe that comes with it. Whereas with upgrading my SUV, I feel that I can retain a little more of my manhood. You know what I mean?

GR: There was a definite turning point in the game in the second half. What did your coach say to the team at halftime?

P: He reminded us that we make way too much money playing football as it is, and he would have no problem issuing fines if we didn’t get out there and bring home the win. He even threatened to downgrade out return flight tickets from first class to coach! It was getting heated in there! I called my therapist on my trainer’s phone to re-center myself. She reminded me that I am special and not defined by my career or other people’s negative words. After some cleansing breaths, I felt ready to get back in the game. I can’t afford to get fined. My wife and I are saving up for our child’s future.

GR: Your 45-yard touchdown pass was a definite turning point in the game. Walk me through that moment.

P: That was a freaky moment, let me tell you! When the offensive line broke, I about flipped out. I sustained a knee injury* back in high school when I bashed it really hard on a coffee table. The pain of that day came flooding back as a 300-pound bull of a man came grunting in my direction. With adrenaline flooding my veins, I remembered the words of Tony the Tiger: “Show them what you can do!” With that empowering theme song in my head, I launched the ball. Luckily, my receiver was there to catch it.
*Editor’s note: it was a bruise.

GR: Why did the team change to zone coverage in the fourth quarter?

P: After my amazing pass, we were feeling energized and in “The Zone.” In keeping with the in-the-zone feelings, we switched to a zone defense to really send a message of intimidation to our opponents.

GR: What does this win mean to you?

P: It means a lot. I like to win.

GR: What’s next for your team?

P: We’ve got plans to hit Flanni-Duffy’s Sports Steakgrill after the game. It’s our tight end’s birthday and we plan to celebrate both him and our victory. After that I’ll be heading home to my lady to continue binge-watching Downton Abby. We’re hoping to finish up with it this weekend before we do a little shopping at IKEA. There’s a shelving system I’ve had my eye on for awhile, but I’ll admit that I’m a little intimidated to assemble it myself. Throwing a football is one thing; handling a screwdriver is another.

GR: Thank you, Peyton, for taking the time to speak with me. I wish you and your team all the best in the upcoming season.

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